Fries With That?
by joudama
Summary: Drive-thrus are hell, yo. Written for areyougame on insanejournal. Prompt, the Turks, Shinra does McDonalds.


**Title:** Fries With That?

**Fandom:** Final Fantasy 7

**Rating:** worksafeish! 'Ish' because of Reno's pottymouth. XD

**Warnings:** Yay, crack! Also, dialogue only.

**Word count:** 1,011

**Summary:** Drive-thru hell, yo.

**A/N:** ...Rufus is kinda missing, but the Turks are here. ;;

**Prompt:** Rufus & Turks: crackfic and/or AU - Shinra does McDonalds

--

"-crackle- Hi, and welcome to McMoogles!"

"Yeah, so, this is a kinda big order, so don't screw it up, got it? Rude, what'd you want?"

"A triple McMog cheeseburger set with a side of nuggets. And a diet cider."

"...You're getting a triple cheeseburger, plus nuggets, and a _diet_ soda? Ain't that kinda pointless?"

"I like the way the diet tastes."

"You like the...OK, you're a big freak, man. BIG freak. You eat everything with sugar in it like it's gonna run away if you _blink_, but you order a diet soda to go with your triple death burger. You're _weird_, yo. OK! So, a triple McMog cheeseburger set, an'..."

"-crackle- Would you like to ultra-size that?"

"Well?"

"No, I'm fine regular."

"No, regular is cool."

"-crackle- And to drink?"

"A diet cider!"

"A -crackle- diet Cyclone?"

"NO, _CIDER_!"

"-crackle- OK, so that's a triple McMog cheeseburger set, regular, with a diet cider?"

"Yeah. And then...ok, what was next?"

"A Mideel-style chicken salad set with an iced tea"

"...What the fuck, who the fuck goes to _McMoogles _and orders a fuckin' _salad_?"

"Tseng, apparently."

"What the fuck, _Tseng_?! What, he watching his girlish figure or something'?!"

"..."

"Yeah, fine, _fine_. So that's a chicken salad set with an iced tea."

"-crackle- What style salad?"

"Mideel-style!"

"Ok, one Mideel-style Chicken McMog salad set with an iced tea. Sweetened or unsweetened?"

"...which kind'd he want?"

"He didn't say."

"It's _Tseng_. He'd prolly curl up an' _die _if sugar got into his bloodstream."

"Probably."

"Sweetened!"

"He's going to kill you."

"He oughta say what he wants, yo. And NOT send me to get the food."

"-crackle- What kind of dressing?"

"He said he wanted chocobo ranch dressing."

"Ranch!"

"-crackle- Will that complete your order, sir?"

"Yeah, you _wish_! I also want a cheese McMog burger set, no pickles, with a Grep soda."

"A grape -crackle- soda?"

"No, a GREP soda!"

"Sir, we don't have greens."

"What the fuck, I ain't a chocobo! A. Grep! GREP!"

"Reno, breathe."

"-crackle- Oh! OK, a _Grep_ soda. crackle So a cheese McMog set, no lettuce..."

"No, I want lettuce! I don't want _pickles_!"

"No mustard?"

"NO, I SAID NO PICKLES!!"

"Sir, pie doesn't come with that. crackle Would you like to order one?"

"Reno, _no_. You can't shoot the interphone."

"Aww, c'mon, man, just one little bullet, man, just one!"

"Remember what happened last time?"

"...yeah."

"Right. So put the gun down and let's complete the order, shall we?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. No PICKLES!

"-crackle- A cheese McMog set, no pickles, Grep soda. Would you like to ultra size that?"

"I like bein' able to see my feet, yo, so _no_. So what's next?"

"A...ah, a Kiddy McMoogie cheeseburger set, apple soda."

"WHAT?! Who the _fuck_ ordered a Kiddy McMoogie set?!"

"Elena."

"Elena?! What, is she _ten_?"

"It's what she said she wanted."

"Shiva's frosty _tits_, man. OK! And one...Kiddy McMoogie set."

"-crackle- Hamburger, cheeseburger, or nugget set, sir?"

"Cheeseburger. With an apple soda."

"-snap- -crackle- What toy would you like with that? -pop-"

"It comes with a toy?! What the fuck. Rude, what toy does she want?"

"She didn't say."

"OK, what toys you got?"

"-crackle- There's an Irairaman ira-watch that shoots iraira beam caps a Kurukuru-gal kurukuru action top."

"...Man, kid's toys nowadays _suck_. And last thing Elena needs is more things to shoot at me. The top!"

"-crackle- A cheeseburger Kiddy McMoogie set, apple soda, Kurukuru-gal toy."

"Yeah."

"-crackle- Will that complete your order, sir?"

"That everybody?"

"No, you forgot Rufus' order."

"Shit. That'd've gotten me _fired_. What'd he want?"

"A triple bacon cheese McMog super value set, ultra-sized. And an apple pie."

"...Holy _shit_, yo! Is he _tryin'_ to catch up with what his old man was in the waistline department?!"

"Just put the order in."

"He's gonna have a heart attack an' DIE eatin' all that!"

"Just make the order."

"Yeah, so, OK, last up is a triple bypass on a bun with cheese and bacon. Ultra-sized. Oh, an' an apple pie."

"-crackle- And to drink?"

"What'd he want?"

"A chocoball shake."

"Oh, shit, man, for _real_? He's gonna bloat up to _Leviathan_ size and then keel over an' _die_ while we watch!"

"..."

"C'mon, he is!"

"...I ordered almost as much."

"Yeah, but _you're_ the size of three brick shit houses put together, yo! Rufus, not so much!"

"Still."

"...A chocoball shake."

"-crackle- I'm sorry, sir, but the set meals don't come with chocoball shakes. Would you like to order one?"

"The fuck?! They don't?! They used to!"

"-crackle- I'm sorry, sir."

"Fine. The drink is a _diet_ cola. And a chocoball shake."

"What size shake?"

"SMALL."

"Rufus is going to kill you, too."

"I'm doin' him a _favor_, yo. Or doin' his _ass_ a favor. He keeps eatin' like that an' he'll have to build a plate just to hold his ass up, y'know?"

"-crackle- Will that complete your order?"

"Yeah!"

"-crackle- OK, so that's a triple cheese McMog set with a diet cider and a nugget side; a Mideel-style chicken salad set, ranch dressing, with a sweet tea; a cheeseburger Kiddy McMoogie set with an apple soda and Kurukuru-gal toy; a cheese McMog set with no lettuce and a pie with a grape soda--"

"NO! ...They don't pay me enough for this, man. It was a cheese McMog set with NO PICKLES and a GREP soda!"

"-crackle- A cheese McMog set with no pickles, a Grep soda, and a pie."

"NO PIE! What, I gotta come back there an' beat it into you? NO PIE!"

"No pie?"

"YES! NO PIE! NO PICKLES, NEITHER!"

"A cheese McMog set with no pickles and a Grep soda."

"_Yes_!"

"-crackle- And a triple bacon cheese McMog extra value set, ultra-sized, with an apple pie, diet cola, and a small choboball shake."

"YES! That's it!"

"-crackle- That comes to thirty-two gil. Please drive around to the first window."

"Reno, here's the money, and put the baton down _before_ we get to the window."

"Arrrgh. Fine. And Tseng is doin' this next time, yo."

"..._Agreed_."


End file.
